who are you talking to?

Written by Laura Buckley

Come on, be honest. How many people are you ‘talking’ to right now? When I say, ‘talking’ to, I mean how many people are you in pointless, long-winded, probably never-going-to-meet-them conversations with on dating apps or social media?

Until recently, it hadn’t occurred to me that ‘talking’ to someone was a thing. But of course it is. It has been for a long time, and I wish I’d realised sooner what a time-wasting activity it is! Apart from the people who have no ‘chat’, there are the times when you spend hours and hours in deep and meaningful conversation with someone you have never met only for it to go nowhere.

 Here are some examples of when talking is painful -

The ‘I’m busy this week - but we’ll definitely meet next week’ one

How many times?? You’ve been talking for a while and you keep suggesting to meet, to move it along, to see if you get on in real life. But they’re always busy with this thing and that thing. They’re just sooooo busy and can’t possibly meet, yet they text you consistently throughout the day.

 This one just enjoys having the attention and someone flattering their ego. I’m not saying that people aren’t busy, but at some point, the ‘talking’ needs to move on. If someone continues to put you off and make excuses, stop wasting your time with the texting – even if they look REALLY cute in their photos.

The ‘good night sweetheart’ one

We’ve all fallen for this one, haven’t we?? Tell me it’s not just me? This one’s the one who you start off thinking is sweet and thoughtful. They text you a ‘good morning’ message when you wake up and then they send you a ‘good night’ text before you go to sleep. To start with it all feels nice and cosy and warm. You think you’ve found a keeper (even though you haven’t met them) and it feels great. You might mention them to friends in passing and you plan to meet up soon.

 Then you’re out with your friends one night, enjoying yourself, with actual real-life humans, and you don’t reply to their good night text…. So, you get more and more texts which get more and more aggro as they go along. You then find yourself justifying to this person who you haven’t met, why you didn’t immediately reply to their texts. 

 BIG RED FLAG – this is not ok behaviour, and this person should be avoided at all costs!

the catfish one

Oh, this is such a bad/frustrating/gutting/embarrassing/annoying one. I spoke to a client just this week about a time when it happened to her. WEEKS of chatting and over sharing with this person via a dating app and she had fallen completely for them (or the idea of them). She was very excited to finally meet up with them as she thought that they had an amazing connection. When she got to the pub, the guy was nothing like he claimed to be. She felt disappointed, hurt and deceived.

 The catfish one is slightly different to the ‘I’m busy’ one because they do actually want to meet up with you, and sometimes they do, in the hope that the virtual connection that you’ve built will be enough to keep you there. I often feel sorry for the catfish because most of the time this comes from a place of feeling inadequate, but I’m firmly of the view that trying to deceive someone into a relationship is not the best start.

These are just some examples of patterns that I see when it comes to people ‘talking’ via social media. There’re plenty more! The biggest bit of advice I give to people, is to make sure that you don’t over invest in someone before they have earned it, or before it’s real. The people that you’re talking to online aren’t real. That’s not to say that they won’t become a real person in your life, but you won’t know until you’ve met them and got to know them. When we’re talking online, it’s easy to build someone up to being someone amazing, we feel that there’s a connection and that we really know them, but we don’t. This only leads to disappointment!

So, do talk online. It’s very much part of the dating ritual in 2022! But be aware of the patterns and try to (if safe) meet someone as soon as possible. This prevents the over analysing and the over investing.

Let me know if any of this resonates with you!